Lysistrata of Llanview
by TdeAlba
Summary: Just me being silly. What if the women of Llanview stood up for themselves and stopped sleeping with their respective men until they were treated better? Language warning.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note: **Just realized I'd never posted this one. Just a bit of silliness. It's set about a year ago and the idea for this grew out of my frustration with a discussion thread on a message board last year. I made a casual remark about the women of Llanview going all Lysistrata and immediately my brain started writing this. In case you aren't familiar with Lysistrata it's an ancient Greek play about the women denying their men sex in order to get them to stop a war. This gets pretty crass at a few points, but I'm hoping a fandom with as much smut as this one will accept that in this instance.

* * *

Natalie looked around John's apartment—the twinkle lights, the makeshift bed on the floor, the case of beer… everything set up to mimic the first time they made love. The only thing missing was the moon. Well… the moon and maybe something else.

"What's all this?" she asked quietly.

He took her hands in his and led her over to the blanket; she followed his lead and sat down beside him. "I've been a real son of a bitch lately," he said.

"No arguments here," she nodded.

"And I know I promised you I'd change and I've really tried, but I guess from where you've been sitting that's pretty hard to tell," he continued, "but I wanted to let you know that I _am_ trying. And I'd really like to make it up to you."

"With sex?" she asked looking around the room.

Clearly taken aback by her direct question, John stammered, "Well I- I've never been good with words, you know that. But I'd like to show you how I feel."

Natalie pondered this a minute, "So… you'd just like me to forget the way you've been acting the last couple weeks, all the hurtful things you've said to me, and just drop trou 'cause you asked?"

"It's not like that! I'm trying to make things right between us!" he insisted.

"I'm sorry, John," she said, "I just have to wonder… Is this about wanting to repair our relationship or about wanting to get in my panty liners?"

John's eyes widened and his face grew red. "In your- _What_?"

"Tell me, John," she said folding her hands across her chest, "is it really me that you want, or has it just been a while since you've had sex and you figured I was your best shot?"

"Are you questioning whether I really want to make love to you?" he asked.

"No," she said honestly, "I'm just questioning whether it's really about love. Or is it about the fact that you're tired of sleeping in an empty bed?"

"I love you," he said, though she couldn't help noticing that he tripped over the second word a little, "I know it took me a while to say it, but I've said it now and I don't know what else you want me to say."

"I don't want you to _say_ anything," she said rising to her feet and taking a few steps away from him. As strong as her mental resolve was, she didn't entirely trust her body as long as he was within arms' reach. "I want you to prove it, John. I want you to start _acting_ like you love me. Like I'm more than some girl you enjoy having sex with!"

"I'm sorry if I ever gave you that impression," he said standing up slowly, "but you have to give me a chance to fix it."

"Well I don't _have_ to," she scoffed, "but I will. Because I love you too and I _do_ want this to work."

"Thank you," he said wrapping his arms around her.

"With one caveat," she said squirming away, "until you prove it, I'm sleeping at Llanfair."

"I wasn't interested in sleeping," he said huskily, once again trying to close the distance between them.

This time Natalie stood her ground but willed her body not to react. "I'm not kidding," she said, "Until such time as I can see you making a concerted effort to treat me like someone you love and respect, no sex for you."

"You think you can keep to that?" he asked skeptically, "I won't be the only one going without."

"I have ten fingers and I'm pretty flexible," she said with a smug smile that elicited a small groan John, "I'll be fine."

Unable to resist any longer, and still hoping he could change her mind, he crushed her body against his and pulled her into a scorching kiss. She let herself enjoy the kiss for a moment, it felt so good, so right. She was aching for him every bit as much as he was for her. But then she thought about the next morning and how likely he was to just forget this whole conversation if she gave in.

So she pulled back. "Tempting," she said, fighting to catch her breath, "very tempting. But not quite enough." With that she slipped out the door before he could argue the point further.

John stared at the door for a moment before turning back to the room he'd so carefully set up. It should have been a foolproof tactic and yet somehow… his pants had grown so tight it was painful to walk. He collapsed on the sofa. It was going to be a long night. But it was just one—there was no way she'd hold firm to this for long. He knew just how to push her buttons; he'd have her undressed by lunchtime tomorrow.

Meanwhile across town Evangeline Williamson was staring thoughtfully into space completely failing to react to all of Cristian's efforts to turn her on. He sighed. Ordinarily it wasn't this hard. Finally he gave up and sat next to her. "You seem distracted," he said.

"I'm sorry," she said snapping out of her meditation.

"You want to talk about it?" he asked. He was eager to find out what it was so that he could find a way to eliminate it and get on with the evening.

She sighed. "It's just something Todd said-"

"Why do you pay any attention to anything he says?" Cristian asked, irritated that once again Todd Manning was coming between them.

"Well sometimes he can actually be very perceptive," she said, "but not this time. I mean I _know_ he's wrong this time, I just don't know why I can't get it out of my head."

"Well, what did he say?" Cristian asked.

Evangeline looked at him and cocked her head to the side, "You don't think our whole relationship is based on sex, do you?"

"Of course not," he said, though at the moment he was very much hoping they could get on with the sex. "Manning actually _said_ that to you?"

"Well," she said, "he was just pointing out that we don't have a whole lot in common-"

"We have a lot in common!" he said quickly.

"I know," she said, "and I told him that, and then he asked me what. And I couldn't come up with anything. You know, just because it was spur of the moment, that kind of thing. And he didn't even give me time to think, he just said that if I couldn't think of anything it was probably because our relationship was based on sex."

"He doesn't know what he's talking about," Cristian said rubbing her arm gently, hoping to move her thoughts in a less philosophical direction.

"I guess I'm just gun shy," she said, still not responding to his efforts, "After everything that happened with John… because our relationship started out being about sex and I thought we could make something more of it and it turned out we never quite did. I want this to be different."

"It is," he assured her.

"I believe that, I do," she said, "I just think maybe we need to remind ourselves of that."

"I don't need to be reminded," he said, "I know that already."

"Well maybe _I _need to be reminded," she said giving him a pitiful look.

"Okay," he sighed, "how do I do that?"

"Tell me everything we have in common," she said.

His eyes widened in annoyance as he stammered, "Well…. We… we both…"

"See!" she said, sounding almost triumphant, "You can't do it either."

"You didn't give me time to think," he protested.

"I just think…" she hesitated and thought for a moment, "Maybe we should stop for a while."

"You want to break up?" he asked.

"No," she said quickly, "I just think maybe we shouldn't make love for a while."

"I can't believe you're letting Manning do this," he said his annoyance turning to anger.

"This isn't for Todd," she said, "this is for me. For us. Think about it—this will intensify things. It might make things that much hotter in the long run. And it will bring us closer remembering all the things we love about each other."

"I don't need to prove anything!" he insisted.

"Well maybe I do!" she said, "If you really loved me and respected me like you say you do you would understand!"

"What I understand is you're listening to Todd Manning over me!" he said, "I understand that you're willing to ruin our relationship over something that he said."

Evangeline stood up angrily, "If not having sex can ruin our entire relationship then maybe we don't have much of one to start with!"

"That's not what I said," he said rolling his eyes.

"You know what?" she said grabbing her purse, "I'm leaving. Call me tomorrow if you're in a more reasonable mood."

"Oh I'm being unreasonable?" he scoffed but he wasn't sure if she heard him before she slammed the door after her.

* * *

The next morning Rex wandered into the squad room of the LPD and saw Natalie sitting behind her desk. She looked almost cheerful for the first time in a long time; he was happy to see that. He suspected the vase of roses on her desk had something to do with it. "Secret admirer?" he asked nodding towards them.

"Not so secret," she said with a smug smile.

"Aww…" he said while making a face like he was gagging, "Is Bo in?"

"He's in a meeting at City Hall," she said, "why?"

"I need to talk to him," he said, "You know when he'll be back?"

"Shouldn't be too long," she said, "you can wait for him if you want."

"Okay," he said, sitting down on the edge of her desk.

At that moment John stormed into the room; he stopped and glared at Rex. "Funny," he said, "I thought that was a desk, not a chair. What were you raised in a barn?"

"Umm… sorry," Rex said standing up and looking at John in confusion.

"You know this is a police station, not a social club," he growled.

"He's here to see Bo," Natalie explained.

John turned an icy glare to her for a moment before storming into his office and slamming the door behind him.

"I'm confused."

"I think he is to," she said looking more amused than Rex expected.

"So the flowers weren't from McBain?" he guessed.

"Oh no," she said, "They were."

"Then why the mood?" he asked staring after the door John had just slammed.

"Because they didn't have their desired effect," she said.

"Being…?"

She leaned forward and spoke in a hushed voice, "I'm guessing it was to follow him into his office, lock the door, and demand he take me right there on the desk."

Rex cringed. "I'm your brother!" he said, "don't give me mental images like that!"

"Sorry," she said with a smile that indicated she clearly wasn't.

"So what did he do that he's trying to buy you flowers to win back your affections?" he asked.

"I could give you a list," she said, "but from John's perspective this has less to do with anything he's done and more to do with what I wouldn't let him do to me."

He looked at her blankly for a moment before he deciphered her meaning. "You mean you…? Can I ask _why_?"

"Because I'm sick of letting him treat me like crap and then just falling into his arms. So I told him that until he starts treating me better, no more… you know."

Her brother gave her a look that indicated he thought she was crazy and shook his head. "Have you thought this through?" he asked, "I mean what if he decides to go find it somewhere else?"

She shrugged. "I'll hate it, but if that's all it takes for him to cheat on me, then it would have happened eventually and I'm better off knowing now."

"You're crazy, you know that, right?" he said.

"But it's charming, right?" she replied with a grin.

* * *

Rex bounded into Adriana's apartment like a four year old bursting to tell a secret. Adriana looked up from her sewing machine and raised an eyebrow, "What's gotten into you?"

"You are never going to believe what my sister is doing!" he said sitting down. His legs continued bouncing up and down as if of their own accord with his excess energy.

"What?" she asked, not really interested.

"I shouldn't really spread it around," he said.

"But you're going to tell me," she said, having more than enough experience with Rex's love of gossip, "so why don't you just do it now?"

"She's refused to have sex with John until he starts 'treating her better,'" he said using air quotes to emphasize the last part of the statement.

"Good for her," she said.

"Good?" he repeated, "it's crazy!"

"Crazy to want your boyfriend to treat you well?" she asked.

"No," he said getting the sneaking suspicion that he was getting himself in trouble, "it's her way of going about it."

"Well I don't know," she said thoughtfully, "I mean it might be good for them. Not only will he learn to treat her better, but they can take this time to focus on the emotional and spiritual side of their relationship."

"Or end it completely," Rex snorted.

Adriana folded her arms across her chest and pouted, "Do you really think you can't have a loving relationship without sex? Would you stop loving me if for some reason we weren't having sex?"

"Of course not," he said, "but- what's that look on your face?"

"I was just thinking," she began. Rex got a sinking feeling in his stomach—this was _not_ going to end well for him. "Maybe we should give it a try."

"No," he said firmly, "I mean really, do you want us to take our lead from John and Natalie? I love my sister, but they are seriously fucked up."

"Maybe not over all," she said, "but I think this could be good for us. Get us back to the core of our relationship."

"We can do that without not having sex," he insisted.

"Please Rex!" she whined, "Unless all I really am to you is sex…"

Rex stood and took a couple steps away as he thought; there was no way for him to win this argument. If he continued to fight with her about it he would come off like a sex-crazed asshole. On the other hand, if he pretended to go along with this for now, he could probably dissuade her from it quickly. "Fine," he said with a groan.

* * *

At 7:00 that evening Natalie was finally preparing to leave work when Cristian Vega came stalking in. "Cristian?" she asked, "What are you doing here? Did something happen with the arson investigation?"

"Don't play dumb, Natalie!" he said marching over to her desk.

She rolled her eyes, "Cris, I really don't know what you're talking about."

"I heard you put a very interesting condition on your relationship with McBain," he said.

Natalie's brow furrowed. "He told you?"

"No," he said, "Adriana told me, I guess she heard from Rex."

She swore under her breath, "I'm gonna kill him."

"And you'll never guess what Evangeline decided about our relationship last night," he said leaning over her desk.

"What?" she asked blankly.

"The very same thing you decided," he said.

"Evangeline refused to put out?" Natalie asked, not quite stifling a giggle.

"It's not funny, Natalie," Cristian grumbled.

"No," she said, "but from what I hear it's a first. You should call the paper."

"I know you put her up to it," he sneered.

"Would you listen to yourself?" she laughed, "How exactly would I do that? When's the last time you heard Evangeline listen to me on anything?"

"That's why you got your uncle Todd to talk to her," he said sounding triumphant that he had uncovered her dastardly plan.

Natalie laughed out loud. "Todd? Are you serious? Right, because my uncle and I are so close. You remember, you were there when he almost got my heart cut out of my chest—that really bonds family members together."

"I know you two are in this together," he hissed.

"We really aren't," she said shaking her head, "although, you know, it's not a bad idea."

"Well you can add Adriana to your little conspiracy," he said.

"Adriana?" she asked.

"When Rex told her about what you were doing she decided it was a great idea," he said.

"That'll teach him to gossip about my sex life," she said, her amusement growing by the minute. Gathering her coat and purse she stood and began to walk out of the station.

"Where are you going?" Cristian asked, jogging to keep up with her, "We weren't done."

"Yes we were," she said, "and for your information, I'm going to find Evangeline."

* * *

When Evangeline opened her door fifteen minutes later and found Natalie standing there her immediate thought was something must be wrong—there was no other reason she could imagine that her long standing rival would come to see her. "Can I help you with something?" she asked.

"You already did," Natalie replied brightly.

"What are you talking about?" she asked.

"Cris just came to see me," she explained, "he told me you…"

"Not that it's any of your business in the first place," Evangeline said folding her arms, "but _please_ don't tell me you're taking his side."

"Not at all," she assured her, "it just so happens I told John that we needed to table sex for a while. That is table like put aside, not on a table…"

"Really?" Evangeline asked in genuine surprise, "Is it out of concern for his health?"

"It's out of concern for him being a jerk," she said, "anyway, Cristian heard about it and decided we must be teaming up and it occurred to me, we should."

"I'm not following," she said, tilting her head.

"You will," Natalie said patting her arm, "Call every woman you can think of that lives here in Llanview and get them to meet at the Palace in an hour."

"The Palace?" she repeated.

Natalie nodded. "If there's anyone in town who will understand the true power of sex, it'll be a former Madame. I'm sure Renee will find a place for us to meet."

To be continued...


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimers:**I do not own _One Life to Live_ nor _Lysistrata_ though one of these is safely under public domain.

**Author's note:** Thanks for the feedback on the first chapter. The pledge at the end is a poor attempt to modernize the actual pledge from the play. Thanks to Project Gutenberg for the text of said play.

* * *

"Well obviously you can use the conference room," Renee said as she walked Natalie down the hall, "But what is this all about?"

"I'm tired of John taking me for granted," she explained.

Renee paused and looked at her, "Sweetheart if that's the trouble you'll probably be much more comfortable in one of the honeymoon suites upstairs."

"No, no, it's not like that," she said quickly, "trust me when I tell you I don't think John and I will be taking a honeymoon any time soon."

"What happened?" the older woman asked.

"Same old thing," Natalie sighed, "he pushes me away until the moment he realizes he's almost lost me and then he turns on the charm."

"Sounds a bit like your grandfather," Renee said sympathetically.

"Well I'm sick of it," she said, "I'm not going to put up with it anymore."

"You're breaking up with John?" Renee asked, rather shocked at the mere suggestion.

"Not exactly," Natalie said with a sly smile, "but until he learns to behave himself, I'm making his life just as difficult as he's made mine. And I'm not the only one. I've been talking to some other women and we've decided to get back at them."

"How are you going to do that?" she asked.

Barely able to suppress the joy she felt at her plan she said, "We're taking away from them the one thing they care most about."

Renee chuckled. "Not that I don't applaud your idea," she said, "but how are you going to take football away from the men in your lives?"

"Not football," Natalie hissed, "Sex!"

"Oh!" the older woman said blushing slightly. Natalie didn't know whether to be embarrassed or proud that she'd made a former Madame blush. "Well that will certainly get their attention," she said, "I know from years of experience the lengths men will go to when that's what's at stake."

"So it's okay for us to use the conference room to set this all up?" she asked.

"Absolutely!" Renee said, "I don't know if I've ever felt so much like you were my biological granddaughter before. I'll even have some refreshments brought in for you ladies."

"Thanks," Natalie said, "and could you let them know at the front desk that if anyone asks where we are, we're down here?"

"Of course," she said, "who else is coming?"

"Well I'm not sure exactly," she said, "I told Evangeline to round up everyone that she could-"

"Evangeline?" Renee repeated, "You're working on Evangeline on this?"

"We kind of had the same idea at the same time," she said with a shrug, "so I figured we were better united than separate."

Renee smiled and shook her head. "Well I'd imagine with the two of you united rather than against each other, the men of this town won't know what hit them. I could almost feel sorry for them. Best of luck."

Natalie looked around the room nervously; she was sure of her plan, but looking at the faces around her she was less sure it would be received well. She cleared her throat. "Okay ladies, first of all, thank you for coming on such short notice."

"What's this all about?" Layla asked irritably.

"Yeah, could you make this fast?" Marcie asked, "I left Michael alone with Tommy and he tends to panic if I do that for too long."

"Right," she said taking a deep breath, "I came to a realization last night and as I thought about it today I realized that the ladies of Llanview need to work together to make things change."

"So this is some sort of charity thing?" Jessica asked quizzically.

"Um no," she giggled, "Not exactly. See I realized we've been letting the men of this town get away with treating us like crap most of the time. And as long as we keep falling into their arms every time they buy us roses or tuck our hair behind our ears, they're going to keep doing it. So there's only one way to get their attention and make them treat us the way we deserve."

"What's that?" Roxy asked.

"Deny them sex."

The murmuring throughout the room started immediately. "Has it occurred to you that in the process we'll also be denying ourselves sex?" Jessica asked.

"Yes," she said, "but-"

"I mean I can't speak for everyone here," Jessica continued, "but I happen to like sex."

"Hello!" Roxy said, amused, "I thought you were the good twin."

"I don't want to be the one to point this out," Layla said, "but it sounds to me like you just want us all to suffer 'cause your relationship is f'ed up."

"I'm trying to stop us from suffering," Natalie insisted, "besides, Evangeline's with me."

Every head in the room turned to an uncomfortable looking Evangeline. "Sort of," she said uneasily.

"Even before I came up with this, Evangeline decided to put Cristian on restriction," Natalie said, hoping that everyone else in the room would be just as startled as Renee at the prospect of her and Evangeline agreeing and that this would help persuade them.

"I'm not really sure how that came to be public knowledge," Evangeline began slowly, "but I didn't do this to punish Cris. It's so that we can spend time really getting to know each other without it being about that."

"You might want to explain that to Cristian again," Natalie said, "I think he's feeling punished."

"I agree with Evangeline," Adriana said, "and Natalie too, I guess, sort of. I mean I told Rex that we should stop having sex for a while so we can explore other aspects of our relationship. Bring the spiritual purity back into our relationship."

"Spoken like a true convent girl," Jessica mumbled.

"Well in your case, I support it," Layla said with a sideways glance at Adriana, "if for no other reason than I'll be able to sleep without head phones on. And you know… sit on my couch without fear of what I'm sitting in."

"I just want to get this straight," Marcie said, "you're trying to persuade us all to abstain so that the men in this town will learn to treat women better."

"I will say," Evangeline spoke up again, "I think we have allowed ourselves to become objectified. I don't think it would be a bad idea to remind them everything else we do, besides sex."

"Well I've totally got your behind on this," Roxy said, "of course, it ain't much of a sacrifice in my case, I haven't been getting any anyway."

"I'll join in," Blair said, "Sex has only been getting me in trouble lately."

"You know what?" Jessica said after pondering Blair's comment, "I'm in. This might actually help me out with a little problem I've been having."

"I guess I can promise to continue _not_ having sex," Layla grumbled, "not like I have any prospects at the moment."

"Okay, this is all very well and good for you girls," Marcie said speaking up, "but I'm a married woman. I can't just-"

"Marcie," Jessica said, sounding annoyed, "we promised to love, honor and cherish. I don't remember sexual services being any part of our vows."

"Exactly," Natalie said, "you're just making sure he upholds the honoring and cherishing part."

"I guess," she said though it was clear that she was unconvinced.

"Can you honestly say Michael doesn't take you for granted?" Natalie asked.

"Well sometimes," she said, "I mean… okay, I'm in. But this is only temporary, right?"

"Of course it is," Natalie assured her, "just until they've learned their lesson."

"Okay," Evangeline said, "should we have some sort of agreement we sign, a pledge of some sort?"

"You don't think giving each other our word is good enough?" Natalie asked.

She shook her head. "In my experience it's always a good idea to have these things in writing."

As she reached into her briefcase for pen and paper Roxy suddenly sat up straight. "Wait! Do vibrators count?" she asked, a look of concern washing over her face.

Evangeline blushed. "Um… no, I guess not," she stammered.

Roxy raised an eyebrow. "Oh come on, don't go getting all embarrassed at the word vibrator. You can't tell me you don't have one."

Her blush deepened, "I've never needed one before."

Layla shook her head. "Girl, you should have warned me. I was all stuck for what to get you last Christmas."

"Okay, as soon as we're done here we're getting on line and ordering you one," Roxy said, "I've been single a while now, so I'm something of an expert. I can help you pick one out and-"

"All right, moving on-" Evangeline said, unable to believe she was having this conversation and eager to end it.

"What about blow-up dolls?" Roxy asked looking concerned again.

"Roxy!" Natalie said sharply, "We don't need the run down of your sex toy collection. As long as there is no actual man involved you can do whatever you want."

"I'm not quite sure how to ask this," Adriana began hesitantly, "but when there _is_ an actual man involved… how far is it okay to go?"

"What do you mean?" Marcie asked.

She blushed. "Well we said no sex, but what _exactly_ qualifies?"

"Oh," Jessica said, "so you're asking about blow jobs?"

"Well that," she giggled, "and-"

"Adriana!" Natalie said sharply, "you're dating my little brother. Please don't go into any more detail on this question, we get the point."

"Don't be a prune, Nattie," Roxy said elbowing her playfully.

"She's absolutely right though," Evangeline said, "we do need to set ground rules about that. What qualifies as sex, how far it's acceptable to go, that kind of thing."

Not blushing or flinching in the slightest, much to the surprise of the other women, Jessica said, "What if we say anything that is likely to result in an orgasm on his part qualifies as sex?"

"Yeah but if this strike goes on very long that could be looking at 'em funny," Roxy pointed out.

"I would say nothing that brings any part of our body, be it mouth or hand or… anything else in contact with their… nether regions," Evangeline said flushing slightly as she said it.

"And what if they offer to have contact with our 'nether regions' with their mouths or fingers?" Adriana asked blushing.

Roxy laughed out loud proudly. "I knew I raised my Rexy to be a generous lover."

"Roxy!" Natalie said sharply covering her ears.

"I don't see any problem with us getting to enjoy ourselves," Jessica said, "I say if they offer, why not?"

"Because which of us can honestly swear once things get that far she'll be able to stop?" Evangeline pointed out.

Jessica actually pondered this for a moment before saying, "Probably. Depends on my mood."

Natalie closed her eyes and shook her head mumbling to herself, "Great, my sister's a closet sex maniac and my brother is apparently a generous lover. This is not exactly how I pictured this going."

"Not that I generally say things like this," Blair said, "but I agree with Evangeline. If we let things get that far there's just too much danger we'll get caught up in the moment."

"So are we agreed?" Layla asked, "No face to crotch contact no matter which way it goes?"

Jessica still seemed reluctant but all the ladies agreed and Evangeline wrote the stipulation down. "Anything else we need to add to this?" she asked when she was done writing.

"I think we need to agree to respect each others' territory," Jessica said, "I don't want anyone using this and an opportunity to offer services to a man he's not getting elsewhere."

"You worried about someone else moving in on that Latin lover of yours?" Roxy asked, "Who?"

Jessica didn't answer but her eyes darted noticeably towards Layla. "What me?" Layla asked incredulous, "Please! I might have been tempted once upon a time, but ever since Vange loaned me her copy of _He's Just Not that Into You_-"

Natalie snorted causing both Layla and Evangeline to shoot her dirty looks. "It's a good book," Layla said firmly.

"It really is," Evangeline agreed, "it was instrumental in my decision to break up with John. And the weird thing is it just appeared in my bag at the gym one day and I thought someone else had put it there by mistake. But I never _could_ find the owner so in the end I just kept it."

"Wow," she stammered, "that's… that's really strange."

Years of practice reading juror's faces meant that before Natalie even had the words out Evangeline had figured out the truth. "You put it there?"

"It was a long time ago," she said sheepishly, "and hey, everything worked out, right? You're in love with Cristian now."

Evangeline glared at her, but turned back to the document she was writing. "Okay, so we're all agreed to stay away from each other's men. Any other stipulations?"

She glanced around the room and when there was no response said, "All right then, I guess I'll pass this around and everyone can sign-"

"Wait!" Natalie said rising suddenly and crossing to the refreshment table set up on the side of the room, "Renee sent in this champagne, I say we should toast on this."

"I support anything that involves drinking champagne," Roxy seconded.

"Yeah," Jessica said standing to help her sister with the glasses, "no need to make this too technical. This is going to be fun, we should celebrate."

And so it was that the ladies of Llanview toasted with expensive champagne as they signed the following statement:

_We the undersigned hereby vow that our arms (and our legs) shall henceforth be closed to our husbands and lovers. Until such time as the men of this town have learned to appreciate us and our contributions to their lives, we shall not engage in sexual intercourse of any kind. This does not mean that we will not take the opportunity to remind them what they are missing and we shall take care to appear as beguiling as ever. We sign this pledge as a sisterhood and as such will not infringe upon the legal or emotional bonds that connect one of our sisters to the man in her life. All of us are aware that if we hold to this vow we will be ultimately rewarded, but should we fail, our sisters are within their full authority to punish us as they see fit._

To be continued…

"Dulce ante omnia musae"


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimers: **I own no ABC daytime characters or any ancient Greek dramas.

**Author's note: **Thanks for the feedback on this one! Sadly this chapter is not as funny as previous chapters, but it's setting up some funny stuff. I promise.

* * *

"Natalie, can you step into my office for a minute?" Bo asked sticking his head out of his door.

Natalie nodded curiously and followed her uncle into his office. "What's up?" she asked.

"Have a seat," he said motioning to the chair across from him. When she was settled he continued, "We've been getting a lot of complaints, Nat."

"About me?" she asked shocked. "Look I'm doing my best but these guys can't tell me they need a file and expect it to instantly materialize on their desks."

"No, no," he said, "it's not work related. It's about this." He handed her the day's edition of _The Sun_. Natalie scanned the page and found the pledge she and the other women had signed the night before.

"Hey, Jess got it in before the deadline!" she exclaimed, "she was worried she wouldn't get there in time to-" She looked up at her uncle, saw that he wasn't smiling, and remembered why she was there.

"People are complaining about this?" she asked. He nodded. "Well I'm not even the one responsible. Jess was the one that decided to run it in the paper."

"Maybe," he said, "but everyone knows you were the one behind it. Look I was willing to tolerate your little joke, even though it had my chief of detectives storming around here yesterday-"

"This is not a joke," she protested, "We have very serious concerns."

"Then you should take that up with your significant others," he said, "but this is not the way to deal with it, it's only going to make matters worse."

Natalie was shocked her own uncle was having this conversation with her. "I'm sorry, are you ordering me to have sex with my boyfriend?"

"What you and John do when you're alone is none of my business and I'd rather not think about it," he said, "the problem is when you published this little pledge of your,s other women all over Llanview apparently decided to join you. The mayor's been screaming at me all morning to get you under control because his wife's decided to go along with it."

"Great," she said, "the more women who refuse to tolerate the way we've been mistreated-"

"The more sexually frustrated men we'll have walking around," he said, "have you thought about the consequences?"

"Yes," she said, "People might actually start paying attention to the person they're with rather than falling into bed and ignoring their problems. And some of the men of this town might learn to be a little more respectful."

"Natalie…" he groaned.

"Look," she said standing up, "this has nothing to do with work. I'm sorry if you disagree with us, but unless you have something else we need to talk about, I'm going back to work."

* * *

Meanwhile, across town at The Palace, Cristian Vega poked sullenly at his frittata. Why couldn't they just call it 'Eggs cooked with filling'? Why did everything at places like this have to have funny, foreign names? He didn't even make an effort to pretend he was listening to Evangeline, but she didn't seem to notice.

"… I mean I don't mind the subtitles," she was saying, "but a lot of times German directing is a bit too… what's the word I'm looking for… harsh?"

"Sounds good," he said.

She cocked her head to the other side, "Did you even hear what I was saying?"

He shook his head regretfully. "I'm sorry," he said, "I got distracted.

Evangeline was a little irritated; he'd be acting like a sullen toddler since the day before. She was trying to make conversation and he seemed completely without interest. "I was talking about which movie we should go see."

"Whatever you want is fine with me," he mumbled

"What I want is for you to share your opinion with me," she said.

"On this particular topic, I don't have one," he said.

"Okay," she sighed undeterred, "what _do_ you have an opinion on?"

"This whole pledge thing you and Natalie cooked up," he said angrily, "I think it's stupid and manipulative and-"

"Yes," she said, "I manipulated you into having breakfast with me and then later on I'm going to manipulate you into taking me to a movie. The horrors."

"Basically," he said, missing her sarcasm. "And did you have to print it in _The Sun_? Manning's probably thrilled to see his plan against us worked."

"Right," she nodded, "Because with all those women signing it, he really thought it was all about me. Besides, Jessica's the one who got it published."

"Oh don't worry," he said, "I'm mad at her too."

"Why can't you at least look at this positively?" she pleaded, "I know you don't agree with me, but can't you look at this as an opportunity to explore other aspects of our relationship?"

"Like what?" he sulked.

"Well there's so many things I don't know about you," she said, trying to sound chipper, "who's your favorite author, for example?"

"I don't read that much," he said.

"Okay," she said slowly, "I guess literature's out… classical composures?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. Beethoven, I guess."

"That actually makes sense," she said, "his music is very emotional, very passionate…"

"And he's the only composure who's name I could think of," he added.

She tried not to let her face fall; tried not to let herself be deterred by his mood. "Right," she said, "well what about politics then? What do you think of Obama?"

"Who?" he asked.

Evangeline let out a deep sigh and took a long gulp of her mimosa. This was turning out to be a very long brunch.

* * *

John McBain was trying very hard to distract himself with some robbery reports when his brother burst into his office. "John," he said out of breath, "you have to do something about Natalie."

"I've been trying for years, Mike," he said.

"Seriously Johnny," he said plunking down in the chair on the other side of the desk, "she's gone to far with this no sex thing. Especially since other women seem to be jumping into it left and right. My wife made me sleep on the couch last night. Can you believe that?"

"I can top it," he said rolling his eyes, "Natalie and her sister have moved into her mother's carriage house."

"This is insane!" Michael said, "You have to stop her."

"And how exactly do you propose I do that?"

"I don't know," he said, "but the way I figure it, you must have caused this."

"Oh really?" John asked, "And how did I do that?"

"You tell me," he said, "it's pretty clear she's mad at you for some reason and taking it out on all the guys in town."

"Well I don't know what to tell you," John sighed, "except that I'm suffering right along with you."

"Yeah, except I'm married!" Michael said, "Half the reason for getting married is so you don't have to look very far to find sex any more."

"Wow!" a voice said from the doorway, "you should try explaining it like that to Marcie. I'm sure that will help your case a lot."

Michael turned an icy glare to Natalie. "You!" he said pointing an accusatory finger at her.

"Michael, I didn't make her sign that pledge," she said, "so rather than yelling at me why don't you go to her and figure out exactly what it was that made her feel like she should do this?"

"Why don't you get out?" he shot back, "I'm trying to have a private conversation with my brother."

"I got a note saying he needed to see me," she said holding it up as evidence.

"Yeah," John said nodding at her. Turning to Michael he asked, "Are we done here?"

"You're asking me to leave?" he asked in shock. Normally it was Natalie who got put off; what had gotten into his brother?

"Unless you needed something else," he said solemnly.

Looking more than a little miffed, Michael stood and walked from the room, making sure to give Natalie one more dirty look before leaving.

"This is starting to look serious," Natalie said, "what's going on?"

"Nothing," he said, trying to sound nonchalant although in reality he felt strangely nervous, "I just wanted to see if you'd like to have dinner tonight."

"Sure," she said, unsure why he was making such a big deal about it.

"At the Palace," he added.

She raised an eyebrow. "The Palace?"

He shrugged. "We can't _always_ eat burgers."

"I guess not," she said though she still sounded surprised to hear him say so, "so what time should I meet you there?"

He shook his head. "I'll pick you up," he said, "around seven."

"Okay," she said, "I guess it's a date then." As she said the words it occurred to her that that was precisely what this was; and as much time as they'd spent together, she wasn't sure she could ever remember them having a real, honest date.

"See you then," he said as she backed out of the office slowly, wondering if her boyfriend had been replaced with an alien.

* * *

_Elsewhere_

"Adriana, I'm _not_ trying to trivialize this, I just think you might have gotten the wrong idea about all of this from Natalie," Rex said.

Adriana shook her head primly, "No, Rex. I'm telling you, she made a whole lot of sense last night. This thing is bigger than us. We're making a statement for all women everywhere. And men too, when you think about it. This is going to make it so that we can all have healthier, more spiritually intimate relationships."

Rex fought desperately not to roll his eyes at her. "Look you know I love my sister," he said, "and she means well. But sometimes she hears voices telling her to save France."

"I don't get it," she said blankly.

Rather than trying to explain the Joan of Arc reference to his Catholic girlfriend he tried another mode of attack, "She says this is about all women. And she might believe that. But when it comes down to it, this is all about some fight that she had with McBain."

"You really think that your sister's that shallow?" she asked sounding shocked.

"I don't think she's shallow at all," he assured her, putting an arm around her shoulder, "I just think she's hurt and acting out of that. I just don't see why we have to get sucked into it."

Adriana looked truly confused for a moment, like she had no idea how to respond. "But I really think this could be good for our relationship," she said.

"Look, if you want to spend time talking and really getting to know each other I'm all for that," he said letting his other hand drift to her thigh, "I don't think it's necessary for us to omit the physical part of our relationship for that to happen. It's just… sometimes the way I feel for you is so intense I don't know how to express it with words."

"That's so sweet," she said, letting her fingers brush his cheek.

"So what do you say?" he said in a softer voice, "Will you give me a chance? Let me show you how much I love you."

She pulled away thoughtfully, "I don't know, Rex. I gave my word. I'd feel like I was letting the other girls down."

"Then don't tell them," he said with a shrug.

Adriana's eyes widened for a moment as though the possibility of this was actually news to her. "But Layla could walk in at any moment," she stammered.

"So we'll go back to my place," he suggested.

She appeared to think about this for a moment before smiling, "Okay, you go back there and I'll come over in a few minutes."

"Good idea," he said standing up eagerly, "if they see us leave separately no one will ever suspect what we're up to."

"I'll be there soon," she said placing a kiss on his lips, "Why don't you go over there and get ready?"

To demonstrate what a gentleman he was, Rex took her hand and kissed the back of it before leaving her apartment. He practically skipped out to his car, thrilled with the victory that had been so easily won. Once this nightmare was finally over and he could tell the other guys that he was the first one to make his lady crack… he'd be a legend.

When he arrived at his own apartment he sat eagerly on the couch, tapping his foot and awaiting Adriana's arrival. After several minutes she had failed to show and he was just starting to wonder where she was when his cell phone rang.

"Hey," she said on the other end in a syrupy voice, "I'm just about to leave, but I was thinking… why don't you put some champagne on ice so we can really celebrate?"

"Great idea!" he said reaching into the cupboard where he kept his secret supply of cheap champagne with expensive looking labels. "So… you're on your way?"

"Yeah," she said in a seductive voice, "I'll see you soon."

Thirty minutes later he was still sitting there alone with a chilling bottle of champagne. Why on earth did women take so long getting ready to go somewhere and take off their clothes? Before he could deduce an answer to this question, his phone rang again. "Sorry!" she said sweetly, "It's taking me a little bit longer to get out of here than I thought."

"No problem," he said, trying to sound understanding.

"While you wait for me why don't you light those candles I bought you for Christmas?" she asked, "it would really help set the mood."

"Um… sure thing," he said, digging for the three boxes worth of candles he'd thrown in the back of the closet as soon as he didn't think she'd notice.

"I'll be right there," she promised before hanging up.

Rex opened one of the boxes and groaned; the candles smelled awful. But if Adriana liked them and it meant getting her to break this stupid pledge he could live with them for a night. He had just lit the last of the candles when the phone rang again. Groaning in anticipation of whatever demand she was about to make, he answered.

"I'm so sorry!" she said, "I really am about to leave!"

"Oh, it's no problem," he said though he couldn't quite make it sound genuine.

"Why don't you turn on a little mood music?" she suggested, "I was thinking maybe Ravel or Beethoven."

"You can pick out the music when you get here," he said impatiently.

"Rex!" she said. He could _hear_ her pouting over the phone, "With what I'm doing for you, is it too much to ask that you have the music going when I get there?"

If her strange insistence on this hadn't set off enough warning bells, the giggle he heard in the background cinched it. "Is someone else there?" he asked.

"No!" she said in a voice that was a little too insistent, "That was just the TV."

"Why are you watching TV when you were supposed to be on your way here?" he asked.

"Well…" she fumbled.

"What's going on?" he demanded, hearing more giggling in the background.

"Did you really think I was that easy?" Adriana asked in a voice that was suddenly harsh.

"What?" he asked, "no, I-"

"Don't know how to express it in words," she quoted, "Please! If there's anything staying a virgin most of your life teaches you, it's how to recognize a lame line when you hear one!" He could hear peels of laughter he was now certain belonged to Layla as she hung up without giving him a chance to explain.

Rex took a minute to gather his composure then began blowing out the candles. When he finished with them he looked at the champagne bottle in the ice bucket and debated for a moment what to do with it. Finally he picked it up and uncorked it. If he had to spend the night entertaining himself, he might as well do it with a bottle of cheap champagne.

To be continued...


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimers: **These aren't my characters officer, I was just watching them for a friend.

**Author's note: **Not clear on how a story which started off including phrases like "get in my pantyliners" and "face to crotch contact" wound up as sappy as this one is getting, but hopefully it's still funny. Also… not that I'm _really_ worried about getting flamed for anything in here, but remember this particular story is all in good fun and not meant to be taken seriously.

* * *

Natalie studied her reflection critically in the mirror. Holding up her hair and turning her head from side to side, she debated for the fifth time wearing it up. It didn't matter how many times she told herself that she was being ridiculous. That this was John. A man whose bed she'd shared on and off for nearly two years. He'd seen her looking her absolute worst; it was a little late to be making a positive impression. But that didn't stop the strange flutters in her stomach.

Jessica walked in without knocking and smirked at her. "Your date's here," she said.

Natalie looked at her with a surprise that was nearing panic. "I didn't hear the door."

"I was out on the porch with Bree when he pulled up," she said.

"Okay," Natalie said, trying to steady herself with a deep breath, "how do I look?"

"Honestly?" Jessica said, "A little underdressed compared to him."

"You're kidding?" she asked with a raised eyebrow. John asking her on a date was strange enough, but it had never occurred to her he'd wear anything other than his work clothes. "Shit," she said as she glanced frantically towards the closet wondering what she had with her at the carriage house that would be suitable.

"Calm down," Jessica said walking towards the closet, "you're worth waiting for." She rummaged through Natalie's closet and found a slinky knee-length black dress. "Here," she said handing it to her, "This with a bigger necklace will work great."

"I don't know what's gotten into John," she said as she quickly changed from her skirt and sweater into the dress, "Asking me to dinner at the Palace was weird enough, but getting all dressed up..."

"And there are flowers," Jessica added as she perused Natalie's jewelry.

"Flowers?" she repeated.

"Looked like a dozen long-stemmed red roses," she said selecting a necklace and walking over to fasten it around her sister's neck.

"He's lost his mind," Natalie said, lifting her hair out of Jessica's way.

"Or your plan is working," she said, "Just remember you took an oath, so I expect you to keep that dress on until you're back here, young lady."

"Jessica, the oath was my idea," she protested, "You really think I'm going to be the one to break it?"

"You haven't seen him yet," Jessica said stepping back to examine her sister, "He looks gooooood."

"Well do I look okay?" Natalie asked nervously.

Jessica folded her arms and looked at her carefully. "Yeah, but fluff a little bit."

"Excuse me?"

"You know," Jessica pantomimed rearranging her breasts, "Show him what he's missing," she said with a grin.

Natalie descended the stairs a moment later, somewhat reassured to discover that John looked every bit as nervous as she felt. Jessica was right—he did look good, dressed in the suit he generally only broke out on special occasions. "Wow," he said catching sight of her, "you look… really pretty."

"Thanks," she said with a grin, "you look pretty good yourself."

He held out the flowers towards her awkwardly. "Um… These are for you."

"Thank you!" she said, just as unfamiliar with receiving flowers as he was with bestowing them, "They're beautiful."

"I'll put them in some water for you," Jessica said coming down the stairs behind her; Natalie handed them off gratefully. "You two kids have fun," she continued, "but I expect her back by midnight, young man."

"Yes ma'am," John nodded as they walked from the house. Preceding her down the steps, John walked to the passenger side door and opened it.

Natalie looked at him blankly, "You want me to drive?"

"I was opening the door for you," he said, sounding a bit embarrassed.

"Oh!" she said blushing and walking to her side of the car, "thank you."

Natalie was slightly more prepared when they arrived at the restaurant and he pulled out her chair for her, but she still had no explanation for his strange behavior. Finally, after a meal's worth of compliments on her necklace, her dress and her hair, and conversation about the food and décor of the restaurant, she couldn't take it anymore. "John?" she finally blurted out, "what are you doing?"

He looked at her blankly, "I'm eating my dessert."

"No," she said shaking her head, "tonight. Opening my door, talking about my jewelry, getting all dressed up. What's gotten into you?"

"I thought this was what you wanted," he said.

"What?" she asked.

"Well you said you wanted to be treated with respect," he said, "that you wanted to be appreciated."

"And you think that's what this is?" she asked. She took his silence as confirmation. "John, I want you to respect me. I want you to treat me as your partner, not your whore. But I want to be with _you_. If I wanted a guy who took me out to fancy restaurants and bought me roses, I could find one."

"Then why don't you?" he snapped.

"Because I want _you_," she repeated, "And this isn't you."

"I thought…" he looked down at the table; she could tell he was embarrassed and she felt bad about that, "I thought girls liked this kind of thing."

"Some do, sure," she nodded, "If you were courting my sister you'd be doing really well right now."

"But not with you," he said glumly.

She reached across the table and put a hand on his. "John, this isn't any more me than it is you. Part of what I always liked about you was I could be myself around you. The rough little AC girl who prefers diners to swanky restaurants and beer to champagne. I thought you understood that about me."

"What I don't understand is what you want from me," he said, "You want me to change, but still be me. I'm not sure I get what that means."

"I'm fine with burgers and fries at Rodi's, John," she said, "but it would be nice if every now and then you could ask me how my day was. Or what I want to do with my life now that I'm out of the forensics program. Of if you didn't forget about me completely every time some big case comes up. I want you to remember that I'm a human being and exactly what kind of human being I am."

"I guess that makes sense," he said, still looking down at the table. She knew he was torturing himself for missing the mark on this, but she couldn't regret being honest with him. Still, his intentions had been spot on, even if his methodology had been way off track.

He was quiet the rest of the evening, right up to when he walked her up to the door of the carriage house. "John, I want you to know this was very sweet," she said pausing at the door, "even if you did miss the mark a bit, the thought was appreciated."

"I guess that's something," he said glumly.

"You get an A for effort," she said taking a step towards him, "and you know what that gets you?"

"Not a clue," he said shaking his head.

"This," she said circling her arm around his neck and kissing him deeply. It had been so long, and the kiss felt so good, she started to lose herself for a moment before the porch light flickered.

"Jessica," she said as they pulled back guiltily. She giggled, "I feel like a teenager. Except when I was a teenager, Roxy never cared how late I stayed out."

"Well maybe we could do this again sometime," he said looking the part of the teenager with his hands thrust deep in his pockets, "except not exactly _this_. But you know…"

"Definitely," she said with a grin as she opened the door, "give me a call sometime."

* * *

The next morning Natalie was on her way out of Heavenly Grounds with her last cup of non-LPD coffee for the day, when she nearly collided with Adriana Cramer.

"Natalie!" the younger woman exclaimed, "OhmygodImsogladtoseeyou! Ireallyneedtotalktoyou!"

"Um… okay," Natalie said uncertainly, "just take a deep breath and slow down to a speed I can understand."

Before speaking again, Adriana grabbed her hand and dragged her to a corner table. Leaning forward once they were seated, she said in a voice just above a whisper, "I think I might have broken my oath, but I'm not sure."

Natalie let her head fall wearily into her hands. "Adriana, I swear if the next thing you say has anything to do with my brother being a generous lover-"

"Not with Rex," she said.

Natalie's eyes widened. "You're telling me you cheated on my brother?"

"I don't know!" she moaned.

"It's not a difficult question."

Adriana bit her lower lip nervously. "I know I sound crazy. But the oath—it was just about guys, right?"

"Yeah," Natalie said slowly. She was quiet for another moment, "Wait a minute, you're saying-?"

"Yeah."

"With who?" she asked. She wasn't completely sure she wanted to know, but if she didn't ask, the curiosity would kill her.

"Layla," she said pitifully.

"Oh," Natalie nodded, "Wow. I mean, I knew you two were roommates but are you saying you're… _roommates_?"

"No!" she said, "We're not like that. At least I'm not. Layla says she's eighty-twenty, but I don't really know what that means. Anyway it's no big deal, right?" The quiver in her voice indicated she wasn't as sure as she wanted to be. "I mean, a lot of girls experiment with… you know."

"So they say," Natalie said trying to sound as nonjudgmental as possible.

"Did you ever?"

She thought for a moment. "Sort of," she admitted, "Once. Back in AC. But there were free drinks on the line and I was trying to piss of the guy I was with. And it was just a kiss."

"This was a little more than a kiss," Adriana said blushing.

"I don't need details," Natalie said quickly, holding up her hands.

Ignoring her request, Adriana stared into space remembering. "It wasn't like we planned it. I mean, we were just hanging out at first. You know, having girl time. Drinking, doing each other's nails, drinking, doing each other's hair, drinking some more…"

"I really have enough of the general gist of what you did next," Natalie interjected.

"So what do I do?" she whined.

"Why do you think I'm the one to ask about this?"

"Well you organized everything with the oath and-"

"Okay," Natalie said, taking a deep breath, "I think as far as the oath goes, you're fine. You're right, it only specified no sex with guys."

"Do you think Rex is going to dump me if he finds out?"

Natalie chuckled at the girl's naïveté. "Sweetie, if he finds it out he's probably going to decide it's extremely hot and start begging for a threesome." Adriana's brow furrowed and Natalie quickly pressed on before she could ask what a threesome was, "I guess the issue is how do you feel about what happened?"

"I don't know," she wailed.

Leaning forward and patting her on the arm Natalie stood and said, "Well you think about it and when you figure it out, talk to someone else about it. I'm late for work."

* * *

Hurrying into the LPD building a few minutes later and hoping Bo wouldn't have noticed how late she was, Natalie was less than thrilled to be intercepted by Evangeline. "Natalie, can you come to my office for a minute?" she asked, "I need to talk to you about something."

Natalie groaned. "You people know we have therapists in this town, right?"

"Natalie, please," she said urgently, "No one else is going to understand this the same way you will."

"Fine," she relented as she followed Evangeline to her office. Once the door was closed she asked, in a less than patient voice, "So what's the big crisis?"

"When you and Cristian were together, what did you talk about?"

Natalie blinked, unable to believe she was actually having this conversation. "You remember we were in college, right?"

"I know," she said, "but college students still talk, right?"

"Not like grown ups do," she said, "I don't know. Most of our conversations were about classes, homework, what glorified garage band was playing where, why his mother hated me, how it felt to have my grandfather try to cut out my heart…"

"Okay," Evangeline nodded actually taking notes, "but didn't you ever get into general issues of life, your likes and dislikes, you know, go a little deeper. You must have, you were married!"

"For a day!"

"But you were together for a while after he came back the first time," she pointed out.

"Yeah," Natalie admitted, "but then most of our conversations were, 'Cristian, I know something's wrong, tell me what it is!' and him saying, 'You're paranoid, let's have sex.'"

Evangeline sighed. "I know how that goes."

Natalie smiled at her sympathetically; she might not always like Evangeline, but she understood these relationship issues all too well. "I take it Cristian's not doing well with this new… arrangement?"

"No," she said sadly, "Or maybe I'm the one who's not doing well with it. I thought this would be so simple, but… I refuse to believe that our entire relationship is based on sex, but I can't figure out what else there is to it. I can't figure out anything we have in common."

Natalie had often wondered the same thing, but she knew it would be in bad taste to say so right now. "Well maybe you don't need to have anything in common," she suggested, "I mean they say opposites attract. Maybe you just need to find a way to turn this to your advantage?"

"Maybe," she said, clearly unconvinced. "So how are things with you? I can't imagine John's taking all this very well."

Natalie smiled in spite of herself remembering John's misdirected, but very sweet, efforts the night before. "Well he wasn't happy about it," she said, "but… he's trying. He's clueless, but he's trying."

"Could you tell him to have a talk with Cris?" she asked, sounding more than a little pitiful.

Natalie couldn't help laughing. "Yeah, that would be great. My girlfriend who is your ex asked me to ask you to make more of an effort with your girlfriend who is my ex."

"Maybe not," she conceded.

"I hope things get better," Natalie said standing up, "But I really have to get to work now."

"Yeah, of course," Evangeline nodded and as she scurried out of the office, Natalie had the distinct impression that once left alone the older woman planned on having a nice old-fashioned crying jag.

Natalie took her now lukewarm coffee upstairs to the squad room and paused at the sight of a plastic shopping bag wrapped around something on her desk. A post-it note on the bag read:

N-

Saw this at the store and it made me think of you.

J

She reached into the bag and pulled out what appeared to be a miniature pool cue. It took her a moment to realize that it was actually a ballpoint pen designed to look like a pool cue. Sinking down in her chair she twirled it in her fingers for a long moment, smiling at it and wondering if John knew that a gift like this was _much_ more likely to get her panties off than any bouquet of roses.

To be continued…


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimers: **I don't own any soap operas or ancient Greek plays. Which explains why I'm already broke. Don't sue.

**Author's note:** I really thought I'd posted this already! So sorry! I warn you, it gets real sappy towards the end. Author not responsible for sugar shock induced by this fic. Also, as a note, I really intended for this to _not_ be a Jolie fic, but apparently certain tendencies are hard to quash. Thanks for reading!

* * *

Natalie sat at her desk a few days later, trying not to daydream as she twirled her new pool cue pen absently. "Bo in?" Rex asked as he came bounding into the squad room.

"He's in a meeting," she told him, "but they should be out in a second."

"I'll wait," he said, perching on the edge of her desk.

"How's it going?" she asked.

"Well," he said thoughtfully, "I'm either really mad at you or really grateful to you. I can't decide which."

Natalie laughed. "What did I do now?"

"You and your whole no sex policy, oath thing probably ruined my relationship with Adriana," he said, though she couldn't help noticing that he didn't sound overly upset about it.

"You talked to her?" she asked, remembering her last conversation with Adriana.

"I can't talk to her until I've decided for sure," he said. Well that was interesting, Natalie thought, apparently he didn't know about his girlfriend's little experimentation with her roommate.

"Well what's the problem?" she asked.

"I'm just… not really sure how I'm feeling right now," he explained.

Given the conversations she'd had over the past several days, Natalie could only assume Rex's meaning was the most off the wall one possible. "Wait a minute," she said, "this secret between you and Michael—you two aren't…?"

Realizing what she meant, Rex jumped off her desk, his face contorting into a look of horror. "God no!" he said, "Why would you think _that_? I thought you, of all people, understood that metro-sexual was nothing like gay."

"I do," she said, apologetically, "but you wouldn't believe some of the conversations I've had recently. So I take it it's your feelings about Adriana that you're confused about?"

"Yeah," he said, "and not _just_ because she had me get all set for a booty call just so she could back out at the last minute and laugh at me. I guess she's not as dumb as I thought she was."

"Rex!" Natalie exclaimed, "Why were you dating her if you thought she was stupid?"

Rex looked at her and shook his head. "If I had a brother to confide these things to, he'd never ask me something like that."

"Well I'm sorry Walter and Roxy didn't kidnap one for you," she said rolling her eyes.

"Anyway," he continued, unphased by her sarcasm, "Now that all we can do together is talk, well I just…"

"Find you don't have anything to talk about?" she supplied.

"Well she finds plenty to talk about," he said, "I'm just not sure I _want_ to talk to her. It's all clothes and how she hates her mom for wanting to spend time with her and giving her a big bank account and 'One time, at the convent…' Truth be told, I'm not sure I even _like_ her that much."

"Okay, I'm gonna ask again," she said, "Why are you with her?"

Rex shook his head slowly. "I really don't know."

* * *

That Thursday night, a group of the ladies of Llanview gathered in a conference room at the Palace Hotel for the second time that month. Most of them looked only slightly less annoyed to be there than they had the first time. "Okay, Natalie" Layla said, "What are we doing here this time?"

"Actually, believe it or not, this meeting wasn't my idea," she said holding up her hands in mock surrender, "I called you here at Marcie's request."

Every head in the room snapped in Marcie's direction. "All right, Marcie," Blair said, "Why are we here?"

Marcie blushed as she began to speak. "Well I just thought we needed to talk about this whole oath thing and when it's going to end."

Jessica raised an eyebrow. "Wow, Marcie. I didn't expect you to be the first to crack."

"I'm not cracking," she said quickly, "It's just… well Michael's been so sweet lately. I mean he gets up to change Tommy without being asked and he sent me flowers at work… Yesterday he even did the laundry."

"Laundry's not that big a deal," Evangeline said.

"He separated the lights, darks and delicates," Marcie said meaningfully.

"Delicates?" Blair repeated, "If a man ever did that for me, my delicates would be off in a second."

"You see what I mean?" Marcie asked, "So we said we were going to do this no sex thing until they learned to treat us better and I just wanted to know when it's okay to… you know."

"Well ladies," Natalie asked, "What do we think?"

She turned first to Evangeline, sitting to her right; after all, she had been the co-organizer of this whole thing. Evangeline looked around the table uneasily. "Actually, Cristian and I broke up, so this doesn't really apply to me."

"Good thing we bought you that vibrator," Roxy mumbled.

"Really?" Adriana said, not hearing her and twirling a strand of hair, "Rex broke up with me this morning too. So as long as the rule is just about sex with guys, it doesn't matter much to me." Natalie tried not to blush or giggle as she saw Adriana shoot Layla a sideways glance.

"Me neither," Jessica said, "Once sex stopped being an option, I realized that both Antonio and Nash are pretty annoying. So it looks like I'm going it alone for a while."

"Don't look at me," Roxy said, when the collective attention moved to her, "I haven't seen action from nothing that didn't require batteries in a while."

"Yeah, doesn't make much difference to me either," Layla agreed and Natalie couldn't help but wondering over the smirk on her face.

"What do you think, Natalie?" Jessica asked.

Natalie thought for a moment. "I would say at this point that each lady can judge for herself. If you feel that your man has really learned his lesson then by all means, reward him at you see fit."

"But if I could make a suggestion," Jessica said, "let's not make a public announcement about this one. I'm worried it'll make the guys start behaving just long enough to get what they want."

"That's a good point," Blair nodded.

"Well should we have some sort of ceremonial ending to all this?" Marcie asked.

"I vote for more champagne," Roxy said eagerly.

* * *

Natalie's phone rang the next day at work. Seeing her mother's name on the caller ID she answered, "Hello?"

"Hi baby, how are you?" her mother's voice asked.

"I'm okay, what's up?"

"I'm actually hoping I can ask a really big favor of you."

"Sure, mom. What is it?"

"Well, I've finally decided to sell Crossroads," Viki explained, "It's been empty for years, but there are a few things I need to clear out of there and I just can't face it. Too many memories of Ben."

"So you want me to do it?" she asked.

"Well I think it would help a great deal if you could meet me there. At least I won't have to do it alone."

"Of course," Natalie said sympathetically, "When do you want me to meet you?"

"Are you free tonight?" she asked, "About six thirty?"

"Sure, I can do that. I'll see you then."

* * *

When Natalie arrived at Crossroads her mother's car was in the parking lot already. She made her way to the door and pushed it open; it creaked with disuse. "Mom?" she called out. Stepping inside the old bar she was confused when she saw the oversized halogen flashlight on the bar—it looked like department issue. "Mom?" she called louder as a figure stepped from the shadows.

"She's not here," John said.

"Her car's in the parking lot," she said.

"I know," he said, "I wanted to surprise you and I knew if you saw my car you'd catch on, so she agreed to switch with me."

Natalie smiled as it began to hit her what was going on. "You two set me up?"

"Sort of," he admitted.

"What's going on?" she asked looking around. Her eyes fell on the pool table that dominated one corner of the room and it took a moment for her to remember why that was wrong. "Isn't that supposed to be at Rodi's?"

"This one's actually a rental," he explained, "Mac wouldn't give the other one up, even if it was just for the night."

"So what are we doing here?" she asked, her confusion only partially appeased.

"Well you suggested dates that were more 'us,'" he said, "and I thought about that and what it meant, and I decided I wanted to bring you back to where it started." He motioned to the flashlight, "The power's been disconnected. I realize that candles would have been more romantic, but I didn't have any and I figure, what's more us than department issue?"

"True," she nodded with a laugh.

"And we have catering courtesy of Rodi's," he said leading her to the single table that was set up with Styrofoam take out containers.

"Wow," she said sitting down, "you really planned this all out."

"Mm hmm. So how was work?" he said as they both opened their containers and began to eat.

She couldn't help but giggle slightly at his strict adherence to her earlier instructions. "It was fine," she said.

"Fine?" he said with a hint of a smile, "that doesn't tell me very much."

"Well what do you want me to say?" she asked munching on a French fry, "I mean I answer phones and pull files all day, there's not really anything exciting about it."

He looked down at his food, almost as though he were afraid to look her in the eyes and said softly, "So I gather you've been thinking about a career change."

"Yeah," she said uneasily, she hadn't articulated this to anyone, but she hadn't felt comfortable at the station for some time now. "You know, when I took the job working for Bo it was to give me something to do so I wouldn't think about Cristian all the time. And I didn't care that it was monotonous and trivial because it was better than moping around the house all day. And then I really liked getting to see you everyday…" She blushed slightly.

"Fringe benefit of the job?" he said daring a glance up at her.

"Something like that," she said with a smile. "But then I got the idea to apply to the forensics program and the more I thought about it, the more I really liked the idea. And then I got into the program and it was tough, but it was so much fun and I thought I could be good at it, but… I messed it up."

"Because you were trying to protect me," he said, pursing his lips slightly.

"Against your will," she added, "but that's not the point. The point is, I'd started looking at the receptionist job as something to do till I finished the program and now that that's not going to happen… it's starting to feel like a dead end job."

"I'll be honest," he said, "I'd really miss going into work with you every day. Having you right outside my office. But if you're unhappy, you should find something else."

"Like what?" she said, her frustration showing more than she wanted, "I never finished college, the only jobs I've held are bartending and answering phones. I don't exactly have marketable skills."

"I can't believe I'm the one suggesting this," he said, "but have you thought about going to work with your brother?"

"Which one?" she asked.

"Rex," he said, "I don't think you'd have any problem getting your PI license, and it's a shame to let all that forensics training go to waste. Aside from a minor problem following the rules, you were good. And while it kind of scares me to think about the trouble you two could get in…"

"You've really thought about this," she said.

"I've had a couple quiet nights alone with nothing to do but think," he reminded her. "Anyway, obviously it's your decision, but… something to think about."

They spent the rest of the meal in relative quiet and as they were finishing, Natalie reached across the table and squeezed his hand. "Thank you for dinner, John," she said, "and everything."

"It's nothing," he shrugged.

"It's not nothing," she said, "The only thing is… and I don't want you to think I'm being critical, I'm just curious. Why take us back where it started? Things didn't really start out that great for us."

"I know," he said standing up and leading her over towards the pool table which was already set up, ready for a game. "You know, the first time I met you, all I could think was, 'Wow, she's pretty. That ought to make this job easier.' But actually, you wound up making it a lot harder."

"Because I wouldn't cooperate?" she asked as he handed her a cue.

"Because I cared about you more than I was supposed to," he said, "When I met you I was lying to you about just about everything. And I wound up hurting you. And I wish that the lying had stopped back then and I wish that had been the last time I hurt you. And I'd like to promise that I'll never do it again, but the best I can say is I'll do my best."

"Well I'll do my best to stop with the lying and the hurting and the impulsive decisions," she said, her eyes misting over slightly from what he'd just said.

He motioned for her to take the first shot, which she did. As he watched her move skillfully around the table he asked, "Do you remember that night you came to my place? It was right after everything that went down with Barber and you'd just gotten out of the hospital?"

She looked up from the game with a nostalgic smile. "That was the first night I ever slept in your arms. I don't think I've ever felt so safe."

"When you came over that night, you said you weren't sure we'd work in real life," he said.

She put her cue down and said, "What I meant was-"

"You had a point," he said before she had a chance to explain, "We never had much of a chance to have a real life. It was always one crisis to the next. And lately, when we've finally had our chance, I've been blowing it."

"You haven't been the only one," she said.

"Maybe not," he conceded, "but I want to do better. And I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like you were just about sex for me. If I ever shut you out of parts of my life, it was because I wanted to protect you."

"I don't need protecting," she said in an even voice.

"I know you don't," he said with a smile, "but you deserve it. I didn't want to burden you with all the drama in my life."

"But John," she said, "that's part of being in a relationship. It's not a burden, it's nice to know you can share all of that with someone."

"I'm starting to realize that," he said, "I'm just a little slow. My point is, these past couple weeks, as much as I've missed making love to you, I've missed watching you sleep even more. I've missed that way you close your eyes and smile when you take that first sip of coffee in the morning. I don't just want you in my bed. I want you in my life. All of it. That's why I wanted to do this here, not up on our rooftop."

"You lost me at the end there," she said.

"It seems like the rooftop's kind of our own personal fantasy land. Like something out of a fairytale. And life for us has never been a fairytale," he explained.

"No," she said, "more like a Greek drama. Or a soap opera."

"You said it," he said with a laugh, reaching into his pocket, "and that's why I wanted to bring you here to ask you to share the rest of my life with me." Natalie couldn't quite wrap her brain around what was happening; it wasn't until he dropped to one knee and held up the ring that she even started to let herself believe. "Natalie," he said with a hint of a quiver in his voice, "will you marry me."

Natalie fought against the tears of joy streaming down her face to answer, but found she couldn't make her voice work.

"I'm sorry," he said with a smile though she could tell he was still nervous, "are you actually speechless?"

"Yes," she finally managed, wiping at the tears, "yes, John, of course, I'll marry you!"

John slipped the ring on her finger then stood and pulled her into his arms, kissing her deeply. She kissed him back with equal, if not greater intensity. The kiss deepened and continued until they bumped into the long forgotten pool table. John pulled back regretfully; the last thing he wanted to do was stop, but if the evening was going to end with them in separate beds, it needed to end now. He didn't think he could handle stopping if things went any further.

"I guess I should get you home," he said breathlessly, taking a few steps away.

Confused for a moment why he was stopping, and then loving him even more for doing it, Natalie didn't budge. "John?" she called after him, he turned back to her. "I'd say, 'your place or mine, but mine has a toddler and my nosy sister in it.'"

His brow furrowed. "But what about your oath?"

"We ended it," she said, "last night. So long as we decided our man had learned his lesson. I'd definitely say you qualify."

"Really?" he asked, making his way back to her slowly.

"Really," she grinned.

"Well you know," he said in a husky voice, "we have the table for the rest of the night. Seems like a shame to waste it."

Knowing his plans for the rest of the night didn't revolve around finishing their game of pool, Natalie wrapped her arms around his neck as she felt him lift her gently onto the table…

The end.

**Author's note 2:** Yes, I stopped it there. As I've said before, I'm leaving the smut to those who write it well. As for this fic… use your imagination.


End file.
